We used to listen to music all the time - mostly on the way to and from work. It's funny how the song lyrics almost described us perfectly - whether it was "You don't know your beautiful" and slightly later "All the little things" by 1 direction or whether it was "These arms of mine" or "When a woman loves" they all seemed to convey the same message.

I used to create playlists and put them on to CD for her, so she would always be reminded of our drives to work. Now she has them on her iPod, shuffling through the songs to her favourites. I have not listened to my music for a while, it just does not seem to make sense, but for the past week I have found myself drawn to one song in particular thats been played on the radio.

A song that we have never listend to together, but a song that I know she would love, it's "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The lyrics seem to sum up our time together - 

Everybody wants a flame, but they don’t want to get burnt
And today is our turn

Days like these lead to
Nights like this leads to
Love like ours
You light the spark in my bonfire heart
People like us, we don’t need that much
Just someone that starts, starts the spark in our bonfire hearts"Days like these, lead to nights like this"

It talks of not needing much, that's how it always was with her, we didn't need much, to me i just needed her company, nothing difficult, everything came naturally.  We could make each other laugh without trying, we knew when one of us needed a cuddle, we knew each other inside out.

I think that's why I am thinking of her today, there were so many days like these and for me, I could have spent (and still would) a life time full of days like these.

I was speaking to somebody that I met through twitter - an author - with two published books.  As he is outside my immediate friends list I asked him to have a look at the web site - to get some feedback - some idea if I was just whittling on or if this cold go somewhere.

The feedback was very positive quotes like "a solid start", "strong stuff with potential" - nobody has made a comment yet - so I will have to stick with that for now, but I would like to say a big thank you to him for his encouragement, who says a Spurs fan and an Arsenal fan can't get on.

So I got pondering during my time on the road today - have I accidentally started to write a book? - could these words, the pages from my little old web site actually be turned into a book? - they say that we all have a book in us - so why cant this be mine.  I would have to get permission first, I couldn't just go for it, she would have to agree (I have realised I have never used her name, and I won't either) - but believe me I could write her name all day long - it is such a pretty name - as beautiful as her.

So I have looked through - and I have a middle - I have a middle of a book.  so I thought I would take this moment to go back to the beginning.

It was a friday when we first met - she had started work at the office and was going to be joining me at a remote office.  It took me all of .001 of a second to notice her - she was stunning, absolutely beautiful, she waltzed across the room - in fact she glided across the room. She threw me a glance and I think I smiled - I say think I just cant remember, I have never been one for flirting, I don't even know how to flirt - the only thing that was going through my mind was act cool, act calm and for god sake breath.

I had to sit with my manager and hand in my weekly report - I don't know what I waffled on about - every second I was not staring at the computer screen I was trying to locate her in the office.

I had to finish early that day - but as she was going to be working with me from Monday I had to arrange with her about getting there, when I would pick her up and where from.

We chatted for about 30 minutes - as I introduced myself I felt every word stumbled off my tongue and bounce around my lips, before ending up as some rambled garbage.  We eventually decided on a time and place and I left.  In those 30 minutes we spoke I had become smitten, I had turned into a teenager.

I don't think I walked to my car, I think I swaggered, I think I floated.  I don't think I ever told her, but that first 30 minutes, I noticed the sparkle in her eye, the smile on her lips and the softness in her voice.

For the first time ever - I wished away my weekend - I looked forward to Monday morning like it was the start of my weekend - and that is how it became - the weekend became my week at work, depressing and long and my week was my weekend with her, fun and perfect.

I guess that is what I am missing today - in the sudden thought of writing a book - I thought back to when I first met her - that Friday - that oh so perfect Friday.  Now every day feels like a weekend.

Whats kind of funny though is when I leave for work and drive away from my home town I feel that I am becoming distant from her, a memory - but as I return - just knowing that somewhere within the city she is there - radiant, beautiful and intoxicating - I know I just want to be with her, I am not driving home - I am driving back to her.

I had to nip to the cash point tonight at 10pm - Why? I guess it's because it's one of my jobs.

On the way there I found myself pondering, about why I can't just move on? - why can't I get her out of my head? Why can I not just move on?

Then it struck me - as I was half way through my cigarette, I am addicted to her - How? How did I become addicted to somebody.

I mean I smoke and you become addicted to the nicotine - ok I accept that, I drink black coffee and you become addicted to caffeine - Yep, I accept that too, but how on earth do you become addicted to a person?

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean addicted in the kind of stalker sense, I mean addicted in her as a person, addicted to her personality, her warmth, her kindness, addicted in the way that you need a daily fix.  I guess that's why I miss the emails or a text.  I have become addicted to her quirky little sense of humour, the way she dresses, the way she makes me laugh, the way that when I caught her eye she would give me one of those wonky smiles or a raised eyebrow if it was not going to well on her side of the room.

I guess that's why I want to remain friends and still be able to meet up, chat and send an occasional email or text, not because I am trying to make her fall back in love with me - if that happens it needs to be a free mind and an open heart - it has to be of her own free will - "The Princess Bride" taught me that.  It might be that one day she thinks about a special moment and I want to be there when she does, I want to be her last ever first kiss.

To me she is a song, a light - and that light guides me home, ignites my bones and she can fix me up (thanks Coldplay) - with her I get to be me, the real me.

It's been a strange day today, it has almost been a little bit of a come down - like when the caffeine from a double espresso wears off and your body can breath a huge sigh of relief and finally relax - yet I can't just seem to take that sigh of relief or relax.  I can only imagine this is how giving up smoking would be, that sudden urge or desire to have one last smoke.  thats how this feels the urge to text or email is so strong. 

Why?

Because everything reminds me of her, the things we done together, the things we laughed at, the songs we sung, the movies we watched,  the dreams we dreamed.

It's funny how a single song can remind me of her, a single movie quote, a TV programme or a project in a house magazine.  I don't know if they are there to remind me of the good times or remind me not to give up - not to quit, not to forget her.  Don't get me wrong - I can take friends all day long, it's the urge to text or email without being, well, pestering.  So for now i will take option 2 - they are there to remind me not to forget her.

The irony of today was - I went somewhere we visited a lot, somewhere we used to meet for coffee - and what was there to greet me - A Dominoes pizza counter, we had only been waiting a year!

I saw a trailer for a movie today - a movie I know she would absolutely love to go and watch - a movie that's just her cup of tea (Yorkshire tea if you must know) and the thing is it's a movie that's just my cup of coffee, (I think that is the only thing we never had in common).  So I am going to end today's ponderation with a song from that movie, and I hope that if she reads today's blog, that she will agree to come and watch it with me.  why? just so I can hear her laugh and see her smile and she can listen to me get the lyrics wrong - because that is what makes me smile - it is seeing her laugh and smile, her perfect wonky smile.

I have changed one phrase - I hope she and The Proclaimers don't mind - but she did like the way I got the lyrics wrong - or stopped because I forgot them completely.

"I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)"

When I wake up, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver, hey, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's havering to you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

When I'm working, yes, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I do
I'll pass almost every penny on to you
When I come home (When I come home), oh, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old, well, I know I want to be
I want to be the man who's growing old with you

But I would walk five hundred miles
And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles
To fall down at your door